what next?

I am this day sixty years old.

This past Thursday, my Sabbath, I went to the nearby County Park as is my custom in good weather. I had brought along a book to read after Matins, but it seemed better to make it a day to consider my path, so I laid it aside. Some years ago, I attended a “Credo” conference sponsored by the Episcopal Church for its employees, and the week culminated in a quiet half-day to write a “Credo Plan,” a statement of one's identity, discernment of the next steps, and how one intended to take those steps.

As it happens, I have been reading my old essays here at the Music Box and its predecessor on LiveJournal, alongside my personal journal which I started fifteen years ago. I had almost completed this review, and it seemed to be a thread that came together with my birthday's transition into a new decade and the day that was before me, unstructured and free. I felt that I had been led to this day as a little Spiritual Retreat, a Quiet Day for discernment.

In one sense, I got nowhere. I wrote many things in my notebook, but they amounted to little. In another sense, it was a reaffirmation of what I had written for myself at the conference in 2008:

I must do what is in my power to take the liturgy and music at hand, and make them better than they would be without me. This task is not about me. It is not only about my choristers, or the parish congregation. Disciplined music is for the benefit of the whole Church; it is part of that living sacrifice which is holy, acceptable unto God, and our reasonable service (Rom. 12:1).

I am still on that track, and still seeking what the Benedictines would call Conversion of Life. I want to make myself small so that the Music may be large. I see that I must chop away at the underbrush and weeds – too much stuff, too many commitments, too many tasks – so that the fruit that I am to bear may come to maturity. I need to attempt less so that I can do more.

To my surprise, I have come to see that this Music Box is part of what I am to do, at least for now. The writing of these essays has often clarified my thoughts, and I hope that they have sometimes been beneficial to others.

So, what next?

A new year of choral music, for one thing. This weekend has been mostly devoted to preparations for Youth Choir, which begins on Wednesday. After doing only a minimal amount of work at the organ for almost a month, this fortnight has put me back on the bench, back into my practice routines.

As the years pile on, the horizon shortens. I cannot say how long I shall be granted life and strength to continue with these things, and that is fine; I need only take the next step, and the next one after that.